


it's over

by peppernine



Series: A Matter of Heart [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Dressrosa Arc, Post-Dressrosa, Rebuilding, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 18:09:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5174048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppernine/pseuds/peppernine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How is he supposed to go on living past the day he'd decided to die? </p><p>Angst and rebuilding for Law after Dressrosa</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's over

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Trell from trelldraws on tumblr. Zie really got me thinking about how I'm not happy with Law's development after Dressrosa. 
> 
> Angst, anger, and suicide ideation.

It’s hard. 

_Existing is so goddamn hard._

_Existence is so goddamn painful._

_How does he survive? How does he go on?_

_How is he supposed to keep living past the day he decided to die? ___

__Like a house in flames, he’d burnt with the rage and anger of the small and terrified child he used to be. He had a will of fire fueled from years of hatred and fear, from facing down a room of guns, from surviving the white plague, from learning that anything and everything he’d ever loved would die. He was made of the heat from a thousand white-hot coals burning too fast and too bright. Maybe that was why all those years ago he’d decided on a submarine for a pirate ship. He had been trying to drown the emotion in him since day one._ _

__He’d fought, and he’d fought hard. The plan was to walk the path of destruction, to cut his ties and break down all of the bridges he’d ever built (this was the easiest, he never built anything on a solid foundation. Too many things to run from, too many things to hide)._ _

__Leaving was easy, saying goodbye to his crew had been harder. They at least understood a little of the demons that haunted him. He’d promised to meet up with them later, but they all knew it wasn’t going to happen. Promises were easy to break. “Cross my heart and hope to die,” the damned didn’t have a heart to cross, and a hope to die was what pushed him forward._ _

__He had been so close._ _

__If he hadn’t moved it would’ve ended there. A gun, joker, and a death wish fulfilled. A karmic ending to a cycle of misplaced love. He knew straw-hat wouldn’t fail; if he met his end, so would joker._ _

__But something had pushed him past that._ _

__Something changed his mind._ _

__A voice in his head: “I love you Law!”_ _

__A scream by his side: “Torao!”_ _

__He blinked and found himself on the edge. A precipice with nothing at the bottom. It’ll be easy, he told himself. Like falling asleep._ _

__At the last moment he’d turned around. Maybe there was something else. Maybe this wasn’t how it was supposed to end. HE was there now... if anything else was going to happen it would come from him. Maybe Law wanted to see it to the end._ _

__The first time Law saw straw-hat, he had been surprised. Straw-hat was smaller than he’d expected, surely this wasn’t the kid everyone was talking about? He looked like, well a kid._ _

__Straw-hat was a meteor that was burning bright and fast (too fast and too bright, law had told himself), falling with the luck of a hundred shooting stars._ _

__But there’d been something there. He was magnetic, you couldn’t not notice him. And god, straw-hat was dumb._ _

__Later, law learned that he wasn’t stupid at all. Rash and impulsive? Without a doubt. Stupid? Never. Instead he was almost freakishly perceptive, an empath, and always moving forward. It was so foreign to a person so firmly stuck in the past._ _

__Saobody had been the start. Law was intrigued. Curious even. Straw-hat was greater than the sum of his parts. Here was a man who made Law think about something other than the end (because he had always been working with the end in mind)._ _

__Then when Law saw him broken and powerless, and of everything that could have happened straw-hat had been handed to him, he didn’t know where to go. Law had never worked so hard to save another person, but there was something about the scar on his cheekbone, the way he had cried out his brother’s name… THAT was what it felt like to love and to lose. And still straw-hat believed that it was better to have loved in the first place._ _

__He’d needed Law and Law had done his duty._ _

__It was a sick turn of events that Law had ended up needing him._ _

__He’d shown up again, quite literally out of the blue. Law wasn’t sure if it was fate, or luck, or the universe’s twisted sense of humor. But he’d been there, a fierce bundle of joy and hope and happiness shining just as bright as when Law had left his ass on a god-forsaken island._ _

__He could have made it to Dressrosa on his own. He could have single-handedly planned joker’s death. But he’d been alone for so long, he’d carried the burden so far. It was easier to lie again and take the help that was offered (he’d given up everything he had, it only made sense that it was ok if he took something at the very end)._ _

__Joker had tied Law down with his strings, Luffy had lifted him up with more._ _

__He’d forgotten was it was like to depend on someone, he’d forgotten what happiness and love and kindness were supposed to look like. He’d forgotten what family was supposed to mean (his crew was his crew; important and all he had but by this point he’d already let go)._ _

__He had walked out alive._ _

__Well, not walked._ _

__He was borne on the backs of his rescuers, his own personal brand of avenging angels._ _

__And not really alive either._ _

___Survived._ _ _

__Before he’d been a burning house, lit with rage and fire. Now he was the ashes left behind, the broken framework, a shadow._ _

___Can he say he was successful when he’s torn to pieces inside? Was surviving worth the cost?_ _ _

__He’s empty._ _

__His hands quiver at the thought, his breaths come quickly and erratically, his brain misfiring in a thousand directions._ _

__what now what now what now what now What Now WHAT NOW_ _

__It was supposed to end at the castle; justice against joker for another stupid feathered bastard. The one who smiles in Law’s dreams versus the one who grins in his nightmares._ _

__If it was a matter of will, he could find a way… find a new goal. Perhaps even take straw-hat up on his offer to leave with them. He would be ok travelling until he reached the ends of the world._ _

__But it’s a matter of heart, OF HEART, the symbol that haunts him, the token of his life. Cora. The thrumming in his chest only reminds him of those that no longer beat, of the hearts he’s seen and touched and hurt and lost._ _

__He’s empty._ _

__As a doctor (a doctor, what a joke, he can’t heal himself, surely he’s useless in helping other people) he knows the signs and the symptoms. Knows the terms of anxiety and the rhymes of neurotransmitters and the electrical signals that are sent when confronted with triggers. He can explain the evolutionary significance of purging his stomach every time he wakes up terrified. He can tell the way the cardiac muscle inside is screaming at the Sino-atrial node, blood pouring through the vena cava, right atrium, right ventricle, a sob stealing air from his lungs, left atrium, left ventricle, repeat._ _

__More often than not he wakes up drenched in sweat screaming against ghosts he can’t possibly fight. Screaming about what he should have done. Screaming about whether or not he could have killed joker._ _

__It’s over, he tells himself in the dead of night when no one can hear him._ _

__It’s over._ _

___What now?_ _ _

__The others start to notice. He’s not happy to be living. He’s acting more like a ghost, but instead of haunting, he’s the haunted._ _

__“Torao, it’s over. You’re ok now.”_ _

__He doesn’t think he can handle having another person save him. The last man who tried never kept his promise._ _

__“You’re not gonna die. I’m not gonna die.” Straw-hat slung onto his back. Promises made that are far too easily broken._ _

__“You can start over now.”_ _

__There’s a thought. CAN he start over?. No more worrying about a far off threat, no more feeling unsure if what he’s doing will lead to his goal. No more having to step forward while always looking back. He can go on living with the force behind having to live. It’s what Cora wanted for him. He can rebuild a heart. It’s not that hard, he would know._ _

__live live live_ _

__Every day is a new challenge. Every day a choice. He focuses on healing himself. Then healing the family he left. Then he (slowly) starts healing others. He’s still scary, he’s still powerful. He doesn’t care._ _

__Straw hat is still too bright. Bright enough to block the shadows from Law’s own heart, his own mind, the scars on his skin and his tongue with words he couldn’t yell as a child. But he's comforting and never demanding._ _

__It helps. To have straw-hat to lean on. To have him be more than the hand that pulled him back from the abyss. He CARES and that is probably what hurts the most. To trust that loving something doesn’t always have to mean losing._ _

__To have someone that doesn’t allow Law to yell the question he needs the answer to: WHY HIM._ _

__Recovery is slow. And still he slips._ _

__Still he dreams. Did he do the right thing? He hunts for remnants of joker’s web, pretending that everything is fine and praying that one-day it will be. Not today, not tomorrow, but hopefully by the end. An end he knows is far away now._ _

__He’ll die again another day. He got too close to the edge to ever really leave it, but now he can go when he has to, not because he wants to. He goes on living._ _

__It hurts._ _

__It’s hard._ _


End file.
